It is something

I find that when I am struggling the most with my depression and will to exists on this planet I am connected to the deeper thoughts within my mind. I am connected to the right words to express my true feelings and thoughts. I keep them inside too long. Maybe it is because when I am depressed I finally allow myself the time to SLOW down and let myself think. Or it is that when I am depressed I just SPEND more time with my thoughts wether out of choice or circumstance I am not sure.

I have been in a depressive low for two weeks now. I thought it was going away, that I was on my way up the chasm…turns out that is not true. I am still laying at the bottom. I am still doing my best to embrace the whimsy within my depression. I have found though, that recently that means spending more money…a little treat here an impulse shopping trip there. The dopamine hits don’t seem to last long.

One of my favorite dopamine hits during a depressive low is treating myself to blind boxes. It’s a surprise, material that you can keep! And thanks to Five Below I can tell myself that it’s okay because it is only $5.55 plus tax.

At the end of every summer I tell myself that it is going to be easier. And every year that proves to be false. I like Halloween, I like pumpkin carving and apple orchards and layers. But those are not enough to fix the chemical imbalance in my brain.

This will be the first year I have anti-depressants on board. I am hoping they do something but honestly I am almost at the max dose of Prozac and don’t seem to feel any different. Although I have been able to find the energy to make myself real food and get myself out of bed early and start my days. So maybe it is doing something. I have to remind myself that it is not a cure. It is support.

I think I have made peace with the fact that I will always have depression. That doesn’t mean I will like it. But it means I can prepare for when it takes a turn for the worst. Turn for the worse?? I don’t know what the saying actually is. Oh well!

I do want to be this connected to my feelings, emotions and thoughts even when I am not in the depths of depression. I have been working on that. In my last post Think Deeply I talk about how I have been relearning how to let my mind wander and fall deep into thought about whatever it is that catches my interest even if it may seem “unimportant.” That includes the feelings, thoughts and emotions already rolling around inside my brain. The things I maybe have been either on purpose or inadvertently avoiding. I also feel like when I am dealing with a depressive low I am more in-tuned with the inner workings of my mind. It’s like depression peels away that “protective” layer that keeps me from feeling and thinking too much.

That “protective” layer isn’t really protective all the time. Sometimes I think it is more a defense mechanism I put up in hopes that I will not get hurt by anything or anyone. But the bruises you carry throughout your life are the proof you lived right? I know there are a lot of sayings about life and the pain of living being beautiful proof you are alive. But why can’t the beautiful proof be only your favorite tattoos? I don’t think suffering is the proof of life. I think it is just a part of living.

I am not sure what the proof of life is.

Growing up baptist evangelical christian taught me that suffering or “persecution,” as they like to call it, was an inevitability of life and that I just had to embrace it and be grateful for it. That is literally diabolical. (Diabolical is my new favorite word to use in everyday conversation.) Suffering should not be thought of as an inevitability of life. It is just a possible symptom. And symptoms come and go. They can evolve or disappear. They can be treated.

While the treatment may be different for everyone, the treatment may change throughout your life but it will always be there.

That is what keeps me going. Sometimes it is not enough, i’ll be honest. But it is something.