Finding Myself Over & Over

I know they say your twenties are about trying new things and seeing what sticks and truly discovering who you are and I always believed them but I never thought it would be like this.

I feel like I am a different person every year. In my early twenties I thought I wanted to get married to a man and travel the world. In my mid twenties I fully realized and accepted that I am in fact a lesbian and have no intention of marrying a man but I still would like to travel the world. When I hit twenty-five and my frontal lobe fully developed it was like all the puzzle pieces fell perfectly together. For some things at least. The biggest being my sexuality and gender identity. Although I admittedly am still working on fully discovering all the aspects of my gender identity I can say that I lean toward non-binary. It feels the most authentic at this point in time. In fact I think it has always been like that, I was just unaware of the language to describe it and unaware it was even allowed. I am not to the point in my gender identity journey where I am really comfortable correcting people nor do I really feel like it is necessary but I will admit being called “miss” or “ma’am” makes me a little uncomfortable. I am fully aware that that is how I am perceived by most people and most likely will always be so I am trying to make peace with that fact I will most likely always be referred to as such. Overall it really doesn’t matter to me…except it kind of does.

Another aspect of finding myself over and over in my twenties is in a job or career path. I started my twenties having no plan what so ever and spent the first few years as an optician. I was starting to accept that this may be a good career for me as I try to pursue other more creative paths such as writing and painting. But that eventually came to an end. I had to leave for my mental health and although I regret leaving only when it comes to the paycheck I know it was the right thing to do. I am still working on the whole job/career thing and honestly I don’t feel bad about it. I know I would at one point like to own a bookstore but until that is possible I will try to find something else. I have a part time job that I like but I would really like to get another at a small bookstore for the experience but also for my own enjoyment and the fulfillment of a dream I have had since high school. I am currently trying to work up the courage to bring my resumes to my local independent bookstores in hopes that they will be looking to hire someone. I may have romanticized the thought of working at a bookstore but I don’t care, it is one of my dreams and I will make it happen.

College was something I thought I would experience in my early twenties as most people do but as life moved on and time got away from me I started to think college was unattainable, that is until recently. This year actually. Here in my late twenties I have decided to follow that dream and apply to college for a Business degree. I am in the very early stages of application so I have much to do and learn but I am very excited for this new chapter in my life. 

Part of the reason I did not end up going to college earlier was the fact that I truly had no idea what I wanted to study. As previously stated I did not have a good grasp on what I wanted to do career wise and so college seemed like a waste of time and money at that point in my life. But now as I have grown older I have realized what I would like to do. The career I would like to focus my efforts in, owning my own bookstore. I think I would be a very good business owner and I want it so badly. So, I am doing it. I honestly feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants when it comes to life and starting college is no different. I really don’t know much about it or how it works. I obviously know more than I did eight years ago but I think I have gained the knowledge in life that I think was holding me back all those years ago. At twenty I was lost. I had no idea who I was or wanted to be and I was very influenced by what OTHER PEOPLE wanted me to be. It took me quite a few years to really figure out who I was at my core though the other things, the outside and even smaller aspects of me may change I now know who I am deep down in my soul. 

Although your twenties are about changes and discovering what makes you happy and brings you fulfillment in life, it is also about finding that solid and true pillar of who you are inside. Your twenties may make you feel like you have no idea who you are and you may change every year but it is all part of the journey to discover the truest version of yourself buried deep in you soul. You will find that person and trust me when you do it will bring you peace.