As I was cleaning my room today I found my old gratitude journals from two years ago when I was really struggling with my mental health. One of the biggest contributors to my struggle was trying to figure out and accept my sexuality. I was reminded that I was confused for many months, I was going back and forth in my mind between the thought that I was Bisexual or a Lesbian or something else. It was a very tough time for me. Not only was I dealing with being unemployed and having to move back in with my parents but I was put back in an environment that does not leave room for the questions of my gender and sexual identities.
I put so much pressure on myself for sometime trying to find the right label when in reality there is no need to find a label. The beauty of being queer is that you don’t need to find that one box that you fit into. You can finally step outside the box and be whoever you want whenever you want.
“Being confused about your sexuality is okay. You don’t have to be afraid of it. You are still growing and learning things about yourself. You don’t need to make up your mind right now.”
That is what I had written in the notes section of my evening reflection on December 3rd of 2022. Reading it now almost two years later makes me happy. I am glad I gave myself the space and time to find myself no matter who that was. Knowing where I am now in the terms of my gender and sexual identities makes me so proud of how far I have come. Only a few months ago did I finally feel comfortable saying it out loud or putting it in this blog and coming out. I still have a lot of growing to do and someday I know I will be looking back at the 2024 version of myself and again admiring how far I have moved even further forward.
It is amazing and heart warming to think about what 2022 Kaylie would think about 2024 Kaylie. Going to therapy regularly, working through traumas and putting myself out there into the world and meeting people. Making queer friends and expanding my world beyond the confines it seems to have been in my whole life.
2022 Kaylie, I want you to know that you did in fact figure it out and have a much better and healthier opinion of yourself. There is still more work to do but you are still moving in the right direction.
If you are struggling with anything similar just know that it is totally okay and completely normal. And you will figure it out one day, just don’t rush it.
Living it Up Halfheartedly 