Random Gratitude

All my life I have dealt with some form of mental illness; depression, anxiety, or OCD but up until about seven or eight years ago I never had a name for at least two of them. Sure, I had heard the term depression thrown around but I never thought it applied to me. And to be honest it was never used correctly. The word they were truly looking for was sadness. I have dealt with OCD, I now know, for a long time. Up until maybe a year ago I thought it was all anxiety. My compulsive behaviors have mostly been mental with physical compulsions making there appearance only recently…I think. Going to therapy has taught me a lot of things. It has made me feel almost sane in times I would usually feel insane. It has validated things that I have been struggling with for ever. It has helped me feel less alone and it has shown me that I truly am and have been way stronger than I or those around me give me credit for. Until starting therapy this February I was facing all my mental illnesses and struggles completely alone which is why I turned to this outlet. I needed a safe place to express myself and the things I was dealing with in a way that felt authentic to myself. This blog has helped me so much over the last two years. Adding therapy on top of it was exactly what I needed. I know I don’t write much anymore…to be honest I am not sure why. I think it is a mixture of things. Sometimes I doubt myself and my ability to write, I question why anyone would even want to read all these random and mostly depressing thoughts I have to get out of my head. And at times I feel like a broken record and no longer have to energy to write out my feelings over and over again. But somehow I always find my way back. Through the fog of my brain and the entangling vines of my thoughts and fears I eventually make it to a clearing and feel the need and the clarity to write. And having this blog as a means to do so has been more of a blessing than I could have imagined.