Grief

As someone who has lost six loved ones in the past four years you would think I would have a grasp on how to deal with grief. But frankly it is just the opposite. My brain refuses to allow me to think about the loss because I honestly can’t handle it.

I lost my first loved one, my grandpa, in 2020. I had no idea what that grief would feel like and let me tell you, you really will have no idea until/unless, god forbid it happens to you. It is not something I think I can accurately describe. I did sort of mention it in my post 2020. It physically hurts. I then lost my second loved one, my cousin four months later. Then a month later, in January of 2021 I lost one of my uncles. At that point I was most likely in a sort of shock. I was unsure of how to process all of this loss that had occurred in such a short time.

Then came November 2021, and the passing of my other grandpa. I hate to say it but I was almost numb at this point. My brain had no true idea of how to continue nor react aside from the usual and expected sadness and denial. The year 2022 was free of loss, I was finally able to work through and attempt to process some of my grief. Then in August of 2023 I lost my childhood pet, my cat. Although she was not a person the loss was the same. I fell into a state of loneliness. She had been by my side for fourteen years, minus the two I lived on my own.

2024 started and I had hope that things would start to look up. While some things were starting to improve it was marred by the unexpected loss of my younger cousin. To be honest I am still working on accepting and processing her loss. It still feels like it didn’t happen. Of course it has only been two months…it will take time. But my brain truly refuses to allow me to think about it for too long. If I do I feel myself sink to a lower place than I even thought possible.

All this loss makes me angry more than anything. Why so many? Why so close together? Why my family? Why anyones family? I have no advice of dealing with loss nor grief. I most certainly do not have advice of dealing with the anger that burns inside after loosing those you love. I write this only to offer comfort if you have experienced anything similar. Also to vent a little!

I like to think that I can handle anything. But sometimes my way of “handling” it, well at least this, is to ignore it. I am sure when the time is right and I am mentally strong enough I will be able to think through and process all of these feelings but until then I will continue to try to avoid them. Probably not the most healthy of choices but definitely the least scary.