I wish I was the type of person to ask for help when I need it. I wish I was the type of person that wanted to tell others when I am struggling. But I’m not. I don’t know if I ever have been.
When I am anxious I keep it to myself and talk myself through it.
When I am stressed I isolate myself in my room and do the things I know help.
When I am depressed I isolate myself so as not to “push my mood on others.” And I do the things that make me happy.
I never feel like I should tell anyone what I am thinking or feeling. Not in real life at least.
I am not sure why I am this way. It makes me so happy and a little jealous when I see others in my life who, unlike me, are able to ask for help or reach out to someone when they need it the most. It makes me wish I was like that. But I also know that telling others when I am stressed or anxious or depressed never really helps. I don’t know if it is because the people I have to tell just try to offer “solutions” and in doing so make me feel like I am this way because I choose to be. Like I have not thought of those “solutions” myself.
All my life I have dealt with forms of anxiety, stress and depression. I honestly can’t remember a time before they were present in my life. And all my life I have been the one to try to keep them to myself. Playing them off to others like they don’t really effect me that much. Or not telling them because I was worried if I said what I was truly experiencing or thinking they would be scared.
I think a lot of this whole, “keeping my problems to myself” thing especially when it comes to these topics, stems from growing up in religion and that religion and many associated with it telling me that I should not be feeling or experiencing these things and I need to pray and repent them away. That being the way I am was a sin even though if I could get rid of depression, anxiety and stress I would in an instant. Stress, anxiety and depression are not wrong, they are mental illnesses and facts and circumstances of life. There is nothing “wrong” or “sinful” about being anxious, depressed or stressed unfortunately they are part of life. I know that now. It honestly makes me feel much better about myself knowing the things I am struggling with are not happening because I am “doing something wrong.”
The things you may be struggling with are not necessarily happening because you are doing something wrong either.
Life is life. Shit happens. We are not in control…do I know what is? No. Do I even believe there is anything or anyone in control…I don’t know.
All I know is that as long as we are trying our best we are doing everything we need to be doing.
Living it Up Halfheartedly 