Will I Ever Be Able to Handle It?

I was once again reminded just how much my heart defect affects me and my mental health. As I mentioned in my previous post (Oh, Life) I had my yearly check up with my cardiologist this week…actually two days ago. The days leading up to it I was pretty nervous and the day before I was literally shaking while at work and very much distracted. I hate when I am forced to remember and face the fact that my heart is not in fact “normal” and that there are quite a few things that make my very existence more complicated than others. I hate the fact that it affects me so much. I have always coped with humor but just last year I was trying to work through that and actually allow myself to face it head on. I made quite a bit of progress but after the sh*t show that was the end of the year I have regressed a lot.

I also have a lot of tests that I need to get scheduled and taken care of in the months to come, which is stressing me out for a two reasons. One, I need to figure out my insurance situation and two, it means I will have to spend a significant amount of time in the headspace of “I have a heart defect.” Which obviously is one of my least favorite things to think about.

This visit messed with my brain more significantly than past visits. I think there were a lot of factors that contributed to that. The fact that it was the last time I would see my current cardiologist (which makes me sadder than I had thought it would) the fact that it was the first time I had gone all alone. And the fact that the last few weeks have been very stressful for me and my family for another number of reasons. I even called into work tonight because I did not feel mentally ready to go back. I work tomorrow and to be honest I don’t want to go but I know that I should. And it will probably be good for me to force my brain to focus on other things for a few hours. I didn’t even feel ready to write about my feelings until now. It usually doesn’t take me more than a few hours or at most a day until I am ready to process my thoughts and get them out. I wish I had someone to talk to who knew what this was like. I guess I do…I am just too shy or too afraid of burdening others with my problems to actually reach out to them.

I also feel weird telling others these things because I feel as though in a few days or weeks I will “be over it” and it will not be affecting me as much. But, I guess the reality is that it will affect me in many ways for the rest of my life and I need to be okay with sharing these kinds of problems with others. I just sometimes feel as though they are not always valid feelings. When in fact they are. I feel like I have made myself live in this “you are strong, this doesn’t phase you” mentality for too long that it is starting to backfire. I allow myself to feel my feelings when it comes to my depression but when it comes to congenital heart defect/chronic illness stuff and the anxiety that comes with it I refuse, like the feelings are too big that I am afraid to feel them. I am afraid I will not be able to handle them or pull myself back up. So, of course my “brilliant” solution is to just not feel those things…to lock them away and ignore them, letting them fester and build up until my next doctors appointment or next test when I am forced to cracked the door open again.