Okay…so I have been MIA for a few reasons. I know I said I was going to try to post three times a week…well life happened. A few things happened last week in my family that needed my full attention. But I am going to try to start writing again. To be honest I am not sure how often because as of right now my mental health has taken a little bit of a downward turn. As I do my best to turn it around I will write when I feel the inspiration and motivation.
Yesterday I had my yearly checkup with my Cardiologist. It was the first time I went by myself. And let me say it was so emotionally and mentally draining. It all started the day before yesterday when I got a letter in the mail saying my current Cardiologist (who I absolutely love) was taking a job in another state and would be leaving next month. I of course 100% respect her life and her decisions so I support her 100%. But it doesn’t make her leaving any less disappointing. She was the first Cardiologist I had that truly made me feel understood and listened to me and my concerns. She was so knowledgeable and kind that she never made me feel as though my questions or concerns were stupid or irrelevant. Her knowledge and guidance improved my physical and mental health beyond my expectations. I started going to her in the middle of a few very big transitions in my life. I had just moved states for the first time, I had just had my first intense medical episode of my young adult life and I was relearning my heart and how to listen to my body. She gave me the tools to understand my congenital heart defect as it was changing. I will miss her and her wisdom and friendship. She told me to keep in touch so of course I will.
I have also been dealing with the issues of insurance…like do I have it? Will it cover my a specialist? Will it cover the ever growing list of tests I need to have done because I was without insurance last year? All of this was thrown onto me yesterday and to be honest I was not mentally prepared. I recently turned 26 so I was kicked off my parents insurance and was not sure it I had a back up. I am only working part time so I am not sure I am even eligible for insurance through my employer. The pressure of my medical debt piling up and the knowledge that it will never end was too overwhelming. I cried in front of the insurance aide. Of course she was so kind and offered me as much comfort and encouragement that she could. I then left and sat in my car and had an anxiety attack once more.
Why must I have to pay to literally be alive? I was born with this condition. Why should I have to go into millions of dollars of medical debt and endure a lifetime of emotional exhaustion just because I was born? These were the questions tearing through my brain yesterday and quite honestly still today and probably will continue for many days in the future. If you or someone you know was born with any congenital defect or disease or if their life was altered later by an accident or anything that caused issues that require continued medical attention you know these feelings. It can be such a huge burden. A huge burden placed on top of all the other burdens of life.
I guess it explains the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion I have woken up with today.
I distracted myself with a trip to the mall after the doctors yesterday. A trip I had planned as a birthday present to myself. Well, it ended up being a birthday present and a mental health break. It got my mind off my stressors for a few hours and I got some good stuff:) Today I slept in and have so far stayed in my room. When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed or really any negative feelings I like to be alone. I like to be alone so I can think through my problems and emotions and process past or current situations and events. I do need to venture out into the kitchen and finally get something to eat.
Hopefully I get this all figured out and I am able to schedule all the tests. And hopefully they all come back with great results. For now I will appreciate the beautiful sunny and warm weather the universe has blessed me with today!
Living it Up Halfheartedly 