Change of Plans

Sleeping in until 2pm was not on my to do list. I have two days off this week and wanted to make the most of them. I had planned to go to bed early (before midnight) and get up early (8:30) but of course I stayed up way too late. I am talking 6 am. I was finally going to sleep when everyone else was starting their day. Of course it threw off my whole plan, well that among other things. I hate to admit it but when I make a plan for myself and am truly looking forward to it I have a very hard time enjoying when things happen to disrupt it wether they are good or not. And now because of the changes today there will be changes tomorrow and I am having a hard time looking forward to it. I always say I am a spontaneous person and love change but I do not love all change. On one hand I feel bad for not being okay with this change of plans but on the other hand I know how much I needed the things I had previously planned.

I love self care and will always advocate for it but I admit I find it very difficult to find a balance between self care, doing what I need and want to do for myself, and doing what I need to do for others. Or rather being where I need to be for others. I have spent most of my life doing things and being whoever I needed to be to please or appease others and I have wanted to get so far away from that that I have a hard time allowing myself to, when it is required, to settle back into that role. I find it very difficult, if not almost impossible at times, to be truly myself, the person I have grown into and love, while I am around the people I have had to change for my whole life.

I think that is what is truly upsetting me. These changes are going to require me to pretend to be someone else and it is getting more and more exhausting to keep this act up. I know I should give it up and just be my true self but it is easier said than done, especially with certain people in my life.

I want to be my authentic self all the time, not just when I am by myself or with my sister. I want to feel safe being my authentic self around everyone in my life. But my people pleaser comes out. My need for people to be comfortable takes over and leaves the need for my comfort in the dust. Didn’t I just talk about this? I was going to be unapologetically myself no matter who I was around and no be afraid of what they may think or say. Great, I am doing great.