I was raised religious, in the baptist church, my grandfather was a pastor for most of his life. We went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I went to vacation bible school. I memorized many bible verses. I tried my hardest for seventeen years to be the “good christian girl” I was told I should be.
Turns out she is not me. I left the church at seventeen, right before I graduated high school. I don’t think there was one particular reason that sealed my decision. I think it was many many reasons over many many years that added onto one another until I could no longer ignore them.
Leaving the church was quite difficult for me, mainly because my whole family still went and it was something that was so ingrained in me as a person. To be honest I didn’t really know who I was outside of the church or my “christianity.” There was a lot of guilt that bombarded me after leaving. The guilt of what I was told was “the Holy Spirit.” The guilt of “sinning” against god by “turning away from him.” It was so intense that two years after leaving the first time I went back. I cried and cried because I thought that I had done some horribly unforgivable thing.
I stayed in the church for maybe another year but all the while I was half there. I was forcing myself to see the “works of god” that the other “christians” around me believed were happening. I forced myself to believe that god was “working on me” meaning he was changing my heart and soul to be more like him. (What the church views as better.) Now all I see when I look back is forced guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that is not real and does not need to be felt. All I see is a woman who is controlled by old men who think they have the authority of a higher being.
I left the church again and this time forever. I have since found myself and learned to love the real me. I have learned to listen to my own voice and believe whatever the hell I want, instead of what an old man standing behind a pulpit reading an old mistranslated book, is telling me to believe.
I look at and love myself and others through my own lens instead of a jaded one. I truly love people. I also, although I still regularly deal with depression and anxiety, am no longer feeling this umbrella of guilt and shame for just living. I am overall the happiest I have been! I have been able to search for and discover my true self and accept and love who I am. I no longer feel shame for being a strong independent woman. I no longer feel like I need to conform myself to someone I know I can never be.
Leaving church and religion was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have not regretted it, well since I left the second time! I still harbor some hard feelings for people and opinions and words I have experienced while involved but someday I know they will be resolved. Resolved how? I don’t know. I may have some words of my own!
Until then I will work on myself and know that I did what was right for me no matter what others may say or believe.
Living it Up Halfheartedly 