I have this reoccurring thought whenever life gets too overwhelming or uncertain. I have this reoccurring desire, to be put into a coma-like state, just for a while. Just long enough to have an uninterrupted rest to reset and ready myself for what lies ahead. No responsibilities or obligations or schedules or constant watching of the clock. To be able to escape from the world without the permanence of death. I don’t want to quit altogether I just want to take a break.
You may be saying, well that is what sleep is, and yes I guess you are technically correct. But what if you can’t sleep, what if all the thoughts and worries of the day continue to occupy your brain well into the night. What if insomnia steals what is supposed to be your rest and reset. We can only go for so long before it becomes too much. I have had nights of “sleep” that are so rough and restless that I wake up in the morning more tired than I was when I laid down.
All I want is a time free of all the things that bring me anxiety or stress. I have had this thought since I was young. I have even wanted something to happen with my heart so that I would have a legitimate “excuse” to take some time off from living. I have wanted to use my heart defect to get “permission” to step away from the chaos of life and escape to a place of peace and relaxation without the guilt of laziness. I have never and will never be the kind of person to use my heart defect to get anything I want. I just think about it sometimes. I also want to clarify I do not at all see resting and relaxing as lazy. I am all for it! It can’t just feel like the world would see it as such. But I guess it doesn’t really matter what others think. Be you. Do whatever the hell it is you want (good things). Rest, relax take the time you need.
Living it Up Halfheartedly 