Self Reflection

So, I fell down the rabbit hole of watching videos I made documenting things earlier this year and have come to the realization that this year was pretty much SHIT. So many things happened, so many things changed.

I started this year in a job that I had been in for almost three years that was making me have panic attacks and be extremely unhappy. Then I quit and got my very first and most likely last third-shift job. Then I almost passed out at work and had to go to my cardiologist a month early. She changed my medicine twice, I had to wear a heart monitor and check my blood pressure everyday for three weeks. I had many different phases and spells of depression and burnout.

Because I took that third-shift job I could no longer afford to live in my apartment so I had to move back in with my parents. Shortly after I did I fell in to the deepest, darkest depression I have ever felt in my life. I lost that job and have been searching and applying ever since…with no luck.

I turned 25. I discovered things about myself while also hoping they were not true. Certain things I am still not so sure of and I question almost everyday. I have had a lot of personal growth while also battling personal downfall.

There are still a lot of things about myself that I need to and will eventually learn. But looking back at this year, I don’t have anymore strength in my body or mind to endure learning them quit yet.

These last few months of unemployment I have tried to commit to letting myself rest. I have tried to allow myself to not feel guilty of the fact that I needed to rest. I am doing way better now then I have in quite a while and for that I am grateful. I have come a long way…I still have a long way to go but it is nice to look back and see the things I have conquered.

I am hoping next year has a few…okay a LOT of great and positive things in store for me. I am hoping that next year I will finally feel like myself again. It is not like I don’t feel like myself now…it is just…I don’t feel certain of who I really am. I guess that is adulthood, life changes, you change, you are constantly discovering new things about yourself and coming into who you are and who you will be. I guess the journey of self-discovery is never over. Self-growth never stops…at least I don’t think it should. I think it is a great and positive thing to be changing over and over as long as you are growing. Although it can be exhausting.

Anyway…next year my posts will not be as depressing…I hope.