Job Searching

Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling that is all I do. I scroll through every job site available. Nothing. I am under qualified, the pay is too low, I need more experience. Job searching is nothing but a mind numbing and endless journey. You know where you want to end up but you don’t have the tools or experience to make it there so you settle for a different destination. It is not a destination that you want or even like, but it is more attainable than your first choice. How do I make it to where I really want to be? How do others make it look so easy? Maybe I just don’t want to work too hard? That is possible. I am ashamed of that. I understand that success takes hard work. I understand that people don’t usually get where they want to be without it. But, that doesn’t stop me from hoping, wishing, dreaming that I could get there with a little less.

Failure has always scared me but let’s be honest, failure doesn’t really exist. Even if you feel like you have “failed” someone else may not see that as a failure but a change in direction. I am also afraid of success. I am afraid something will actually work out for me. I am afraid of committing to something and it working and then changing my mind as I inevitably do over and over again. I am afraid of disappointing people. That is it. I am afraid of letting people down and disappointing them…with MY life. It is MY life. Why should I be afraid of disappointing others? I shouldn’t…but I am. I am…a people pleaser. Yup. That is the bottom line. I need to stop living for others. I need to make up my mind to finally live for myself. It is not selfish. It is okay. The only person I need to make happy in this life is…ME.

I want to own a bookstore…like I mentioned in my previous post Am I an Entrepreneur? I have no idea if I will want to own one in ten years or even five but right now that is what I want to do. I started to create a business plan and everything else business owners are supposed to do…but I have no money. I created a GOFUNDME but honestly I am afraid to share it. I am afraid I didn’t prepare enough. I am afraid that people won’t donate. I am afraid they will. I guess I am just full of fear. Great. I want to be my own boss. I want to spend my days in my bookstore. I want to be able to say, “I did it.” I did something I wanted. I completed something. Then I wouldn’t have to scroll. I could make money doing something I love. I wouldn’t have to rely on others (except customers) for money. I could make my own schedule. Yes, there would be long days and nights but they would be because I WANT to make it. I would be committing MY time to MY own venture. I would be building something for MYSELF.

Should I just do it? Just jump in the deep end not caring what others will think or do…or not do. I am just afraid I will raise the money and end up not wanting to do the thing I said I was raising the money for. I don’t really think that will happen but…I am not sure. And we all know I have this NEED to be SURE of something before I start it. Isn’t that frustrating. I think it is. I guess I technically started this blog not knowing where or if it would go somewhere and although I don’t have a lot of readers, there are over twenty of you last time I checked, honestly I am grateful for every single one! Thank you!

Thank you for reading my ramblings. My brain has been going through it lately.