Today my cousin is coming over to decorate Halloween cookies and after that we are going to a haunted house. Do I want to spend time with people? No. It is nothing against them. Depression is like that. We were originally going to do this yesterday but I just couldn’t bring myself to want to. I was trying to hype myself up all day. I did my makeup and opened my curtains and tried to tell myself I should do something. I just couldn’t. So I asked if we could switch the plans for today in hopes I would feel more up to it. I don’t. I just want to sit in my room with both my earbuds in, music blasting, typing on my computer. At this very moment I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and clogging my throat. I am trying. I don’t want to disappoint her or anyone but…it is so hard.
Today at 2:15pm when I finally decided it was time to get out of bed and make myself eat I walked into the kitchen and saw that my family had bought pre made cookies and frosting and sprinkles. It honestly made me cry because it brought me so much comfort. I don’t know why or how. It was just nice. It was a small thing they did that brought me an immense amount of comfort.
Last night when I was talking to my parents about how I was struggling with wanting to do something, when I finally thought of something I actually wanted to do, I would look it up and would be disappointed because the place was either closed or was not doing the event that night. My dad booked a drinks and canvas painting night for my sister, mom and I this Friday night. It meant a lot to me. It gave me something to look forward to.
I am grateful that I live with my parents right now because even though I have fallen into the darkest slump of depression I have experienced in many years they are there to offer little bits of comfort. It is not always about the big things…sometimes it can be the little things.
Living it Up Halfheartedly 