Breakdown

Why is it that we feel “fine” and carry on until the stress and panic have built up so high that we can’t keep it from crashing down? Why do I have to break before I know that I am not okay? Why can’t I see the signs even though the same thing has happened to me hundreds of times?

Last night I called out from work because I had woken up that morning feeling off. I could not explain it, something just felt wrong. I told myself everything was fine, I was fine. I packed my food and prepped everything for my 11:30pm shift. I put lotion on my face, turned my galaxy lamp on, set my alarm and tried to go to sleep. I told myself I just needed to sleep. Everything would be fixed by sleep. I in fact could not sleep. I laid there crying, desperately begging sleep to come. After a few hours I decided that I would not go to work. I couldn’t, not in this state. It was not an easy decision, it never is for me. I do not take calling out of my job lightly. I feel so much guilt every single time. I spend so long convincing myself it is okay. That it is okay to take care of myself and my mental health. I speak a lot about mental health and how I think you should prioritize your mental health over your job or situation. But I still struggle with that for myself. It is not that I don’t value myself. I just am so deep into that American mindset of living to work and sacrificing yourself for work. It sounds ridiculous and yes it is, but after being taught that my whole life it is hard to change. I have changed my mind about almost everything in life. Everything except this apparently. I still feel the need to be validated in my reasoning for calling out of work. Even writing this I am fighting the urge to convince you that I don’t call out that much, that this is a rare occurrence. It is crazy because that is not how I view someone else that calls out for any reason. I don’t care the reason…I support them. But as with anything in this life our standards for ourselves are so much higher, so high that they are unrealistic and unfair. We don’t hold the standards high for ourselves because we think we are better than anyone else. We hold them high because we expect for some reason, perfection. Why do we expect that from ourselves and not others? Why do we make life so much harder and stressful for ourselves? Why do we award so much forgiveness and grace for others and leave none for ourselves?

This is a constant battle in my life. I am sure I have written about it before and will not doubt write about it again. I am tired. I am burnt out. I want something new. I need something new. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of thinking I am doing fine until I have a breakdown wether emotional or not. I am tired of going through life like this. How do I change it? Where do I start? Last time I thought it was a new job. What is it really?