Heart Thoughts

Do I remember my heart surgeries? The short answer, no. I have had three open heart surgeries and I do not remember a single one. I was only three days old when I had the first surgery and six months at the second. The third surgery was performed when I was a few months away from turning three. I don’t remember a single second. I don’t remember anything of my medical history up until I was around eleven or twelve. I know this is something that parents and loved ones of heart patients wonder. They fear we will be emotionally scared by the experiences. I of course can not speak for others but in my experience I can not even remember it. Yes, I was scared of needles as a kid but what kid isn’t? I was not nor am I now a fan of going to the doctor but again who is? I am unable to recall doctors visits from my childhood. I had another surgery at the age of twelve to remove sternal wires and I am able to recall that experience quite well but I would not say that it damaged me emotionally. Yes, it was scary because up until that point I had no memory of surgery so I had no idea what I was about to experience and to be honest I was absolutely terrified. But I was not terrified of what I knew I was terrified of what I didn’t know.

All ages are difficult with a heart problem. For me the hardest was when I became an adult. When I turned eighteen and had to start making my appointments myself and talking to insurance companies and becoming fully responsible for my own health. Yes, I still had my parents to guide me along the way but it was ultimately up to me. The hardest part was knowing that I was in charge now. I was the one who had to remember to take my medicine or call the doctor. I was the one who had to take the initiative and schedule my appointments. Heart patients need support at all ages and through all situations but I think sometimes people can focus on the surgeries at the beginning of our lives to much and not see that other things later in our lives can affect us more. Support of any kind at any time if appreciated but when people focus on the surgeries that happened at the beginning of my life and they assume that I am emotionally scared or traumatized by them I usually don’t know who to tell them that I don’t even remember them. I usually say exactly that, “I don’t remember them.” And leave it at that. In my personal experience I felt like I needed more support in my adulthood then in my childhood. To be quite honest for most of my life I didn’t really feel like I had a heart problem I just had to go to the doctor once or twice a year and get some test down and take medicine everyday but other than that I had other things I was concerned about so I didn’t really think about it a lot. When I became an adult and had to start taking more responsibility and things started to change that is when I felt the need for support from those around me. Something my Mom mentioned while we were talking in the Dr’s office a few months ago was that as a parent who is seeing everything and having to deal with all things heart and having to see us go through so much she never realized that I may not be feeling or thinking the same things as her. She never thought that I would feel like it is not real or that it was not as bad as everyone said. Like I am sure I have mentioned before I have always felt like there was two versions of Kaylie, the one with the heart problem, and the one who was just a normal person. I never really felt like they were the same person. I still don’t feel like they are one in the same. I think for some of us who have chronic illness that doesn’t necessarily affect us everyday we feel like two separate versions of ourselves. One who is “sick” and one who is not.

I am not sure where I went with this post, like many of my others, these are just some thoughts I had floating around in my brain.