Life…

Life really just likes to kick you in the a** sometimes. You may try and try and try but sometimes it is not enough.

I don’t know how to properly express what I am feeling. I am stressed out to the point of wanting to melt. Cease to exist. Disappear into thin air. I feel I am on the verge of an anxiety attack but my body refuses to give in. Like when you feel like you are about to vomit but nothing happens so you are just pale, sweaty, and your hands are shaking. I have cried but I think I used up all my tears. I am not okay AGAIN. Why is it that right when you think you just might be alright life comes back to smack you across the face and remind you that it is in control and you are not? I am at work right now writing this because writing is the only way I know to cope with intense emotions and trials in my life. My hands are shaking holding my phone as I type. I want to cry but I can’t. My birthday is in two days…I will be twenty-five. I wish I was happier. I wish a lot of things but I guess it is not good to dwell on wishes and what ifs. But I feel that is all I have. What if I was richer? What if I had gone to college? What if I had followed my dreams and gone to school for fashion? Well, I probably wouldn’t be writing this post. I probably wouldn’t have this blog and that would be a tragedy! Haha! There are always silver linings but sometimes they are smaller and harder to find. Sometimes seemingly impossible.

The really sad part or maybe positive side of all this is that I still have hope even if it is withering…I still have hope that someday my life will be exactly how I dream. It may be false hope but it is still hope.