I don’t really talk about my heart condition on here or in real life. There is a reason for that and it may not be what those of you who know me think it is. To be honest it is because it actually terrifies me. Yep I said it. I scares me so much. So much about it scares me. The unknown future, the fact that the oldest HLHS patients I can find are in their late thirty’s. The fact that the doctors are learning with us and that we are basically guinea pigs. I try not to let the fear stop me from living but every once in a while it hits me. Tonight was one of those times. I am the kind of person that likes to know what the outcome is going to be before I start. But with something like this that is not possible. One, because no one truly knows. Two, because it is different for each and every patient. It is kind of weird to refer to myself as a patient but I guess it is true. Maybe not in the traditional sense of constant hospital stays and doctors appointments but in the sense that I take medicine every day and see the doctor at least once a year and I am required to have numerous tests done. I never liked to talk about or really acknowledge my heart condition because I never wanted to victimize myself or make people pity me. Thanks to my friend Tori I am finally able to acknowledge and except my heart condition in a healthy way! Tori if you are reading this…THANK YOU! I appreciate you and all you are doing more then you know!
I have used humor as what I thought was a coping mechanism all my life. When something scary would happen with my heart I was always the comedic relief. I always thought I had to be the one to lighten the mood so that those around me did not worry as much. I didn’t want them to be scared like I was. As I said I always saw it as a coping mechanism which in a way I think it is but I also think it is my way of avoiding my emotions. I realize now that is not the most healthy thing to do. Yes I will still have humor in those situations because I think it is important but I will try to be more honest with myself and those around me about how I am feeling and if things are scaring me. Like right now. That is why I am writing this, because I want to let people know that my heart condition, HLHS, is scaring the CRAP out of me right now. I just spent quite a while crying in the bathroom. I have never liked to cry in front of people or tell people I cried, in fact I avoid it at ALL costs, but this time I want to tell you. Who ever may be reading this. I want to tell you because…well I don’t know…I just wanted to tell you. So, I did. LOL! Just know if you are like me and hate crying in front of people…it is okay. If you cry in front of people or tell people you cried it does not make you weak. It shows that you are human. It shows that you are strong.
Living it Up Halfheartedly 